I hope this old train breaks down

I listened to one of my favorite songs this morning, Breakdown by Jack Johnson. I haven't listened to this song in quite a while and it made me realize how long I've been living out of balance. 2 years ago when I was in graduate school I listened to this song a lot; I felt like it was the perfect metaphor for my life philosophy. That is, living life in balance.

During that time we were contemplating a move to super-laid back Lopez Island in the San Juan Islands. I was rolling through ideas of how I could work from home and practice yoga outside on my property everyday. I was also riding horses a lot, and spent a lot of time outside. Jack's line "The wisdom's in the trees not the glass windows" was my mantra. And it wasn't just that I wanted to live life like that, in balance, but I DID. I made myself, it was my priority. And it felt great.

This lifestyle has slipped away from me in recent years. I'm sure it started with going back to work full time, but since moving to Bend it has really gotten away from me. And hearing this song this morning made me miss those times with a sudden, and unexpected jolt of grief. I'm sure it sounds odd that moving to Bend (outdoor rec mecca) would cause me to lose my connection with the outdoors and sense of balance, but it has. Maybe because when we moved here we were super motivated to make friends, get active, sign Nolan up for 100 activities, and in that I lost myself.

In the last year I've started a magazine (working 70 hours a week), took Nolan to preschool, swimming lessons, tae kwon do, and summer camp, made some mom friends, started and stopped a regular blog, learned to ski, got a dog... oh the list is long and exhausting. And on top of all that we decided to have another baby - and I've enjoyed this pregnancy immensely. But doing so has added another long list: midwife, chiropractor, prenatal yoga, new eating habits, studying hypno birthing...

So no wonder I feel out of balance. Instead of "the wisdom's in the trees" being my mantra, instead I've been living with the line "I got no time that I got to get to where I don't need to be."

That's gross, and sad. Like today for example: Start work at 7:30, get Nolan ready for camp, work, take Nolan to camp, work, pick Nolan up early, pick Uncle Chris up from the airport, work. And find time to do prenatal yoga, eat well, drink a million gallons of water, practice hypno birthing, and see my husband at some point.

Wow, this train needs to break down. But discovering what that means exactly will be the hard part. I hope it's not just that I miss the moist tree-covered west side of the state. I hope I can find some wisdom in the high desert... it does have some trees.


"I hope this old train breaks down
Then I could take a walk around
See what there is to see
Time is just a melody
...
I need this old train to break down.
Oh, please just let me please break down.
...
And I got no time that I got to get
To where I don't need to be.

So I need this old train to break down...
But you can't stop nothing if you got no control...
The wisdom's in the trees not the glass windows. "
...