Lucia: 4 months

Dearest Lucia,

I am very late in writing this month’s journal. Last month was a time of great transition, tumult, stress and sleeplessness. But that’s not to say it was all bad, not even close.

I had just gone back to work and we were trying to figure out our daily schedule. I had imagined you’d take long naps and I’d work. I imagined incorrectly. You transitioned from sleeping in the wrap, to the bed (nursing you down), to the Amby bed early in the month. But I quickly figured out that you would not nap very long (40 minutes or so) without me next to you. So, I brought out all the old baby sleep books and began to frantically search for the ANSWER. Must fix baby! I brought my laptop in your room and tried working under your Amby bed (literally) for a few days so I could bounce you at any little stir. I tried waiting outside your door at your typical wake up times so I could rock you back to sleep. I tried many other things I can’t remember now. But none of them helped. Instead all the bouncing, rocking and waiting made me very edgy.

Then I realized that - AH HA - there is no answer. This is just how her brain works right now. Ok. Whew. 40 minute naps it is.

Once I came to this realization I felt much better. The other bit of tumult centered around my stress level at work. Trying to get work done, trying to keep my clients and boss happy while taking care of you. We’re still working on this but things are much, much better.

Part of the solution was that I started looking for a nanny to help me a couple days a week. It took a while to find someone, but I think we finally have. More on that next month…

I wrote these things in my journal at some point in March:

Her sleeper is broken. This baby’s sleeper is broken.

If there were a God of Sleep, I’d be his convert. I’d go to his church and send my children out as missionaries in his name. We’d dress in skirts and suits and go to his church every Sunday.

On some of my hardest days last month I had little moments of … kindness from the universe I guess. One particularly sleepless day I took you to Trader Joe’s. I put you in the sling and you cried and cried… I took you outside, nursed you in the car… finally after 30 sweaty, high blood pressure minutes you calmed down and I went back inside to finish my shopping. When I got to the check out counter the cashier asked about the sling. I don’t remember exactly what she said but it was something like “It’s really a wonderful thing what you’re doing for her. Carrying her so close to you like that. It’s a gift you’re giving her.” Then she went on to share how she didn’t get enough hugs from her mom as a kid and how it affected her as an adult. Wow. I told her that her kind words made my day.

Another day we were at Costco and you were in the Moby wrap. A sweet old woman reached out to me and said something like “She’ll grow into a happier person, because you carried her like that.” Amazing. What amazing kindness when I needed it.

4 months

3 months

3 Months
Dear Lucia,

You are three months old! I feel like we’ve moved out of newborn routines and into baby life. Your naps are more regular and you don’t cry in the evenings anymore; in fact you go to bed every night around 6. But you won’t nap in the Moby wrap anymore, so we’re trying to figure out how to help you get long naps in the Amby bed. Every week seems easier than the last.

I went back to work this month. It’s been a hard adjustment, mostly because I feel frazzled. There’s not enough time in the day to work as much as I used to and help you get good naps. But in spite of this I feel overwhelming pride and gratitude that I get to stay home with you AND work. I feel proud that I get to do this great thing for you, for my kids, by being home. And I love my job, so all the craziness of my schedule is worth it.

Your hair is fantastic – shiny and long and copper brown. When I go to the grocery store I am stopped repeatedly by people (usually women) who are taken by your big eyes and beautiful hair. The conversation always goes something like this:

Them: Wow look at that hair! How old is she?
Me: 3 months
Them: Wow, that’s a lot of hair!
Me: Yeah
Them: What a beautiful girl!
Me: Thanks

Twice strangers have had the audacity to touch your hair following this conversation. You have to break several social taboos to actually reach out and do this: Touch a stranger’s baby! Touch a stranger’s baby when said baby is strapped to her mother, mere inches from the mother’s face! That’s some irresistible hair. Needless to say I put a hat on your head the next time we went to the store.

At night when you nurse sometimes you drink so voraciously I feel like I’m sleeping with a raccoon. But other times you linger and suckle for a long time; you reach out with your hands in the dark and stroke my chest in slow, sweet movements. During the day your hands and arms are jerky and imprecise. But when you do this at night it’s so gentle, it feels like you’re telling me you love me.

I see my family in your face. I see my brother Ted in your profile, and the shape of your chin. Sometimes when you sleep I see Nama. One day when you were crying you looked so much like Nama it made me want to cry too. I picked you up and said “it’s ok little Nama.” Perhaps that’s why I’ve been waiting my whole life to have a daughter – so I could see my mother in your face. But your have your father's feet.

Your brother Nolan loves you more and more all the time. It’s been a hard road for him – feeling like he lost his mommy to you. Plus the screaming in the car, every day, on the way home for school – it’s not a good recipe for sibling bonding. But every time you smile at him he lights up like he won a prize. And even for all the jealousy, he’s so unbearably proud of you. He practically trips over himself to tell strangers he’s your big brother.

Be my valentine

Lucia: 2 months

Dear Miss Lu Lu,

You are two months old! You are becoming less of a lima bean and more of a baby. And we are coming out of our postpartum hibernation. This month we started taking walks with Nolan in the afternoon; he rode his bike and you slept in the red wrap. Most days were very cold, so I bundled us both inside one of Steve’s big coats, with only your little feet sticking out the bottom. You like the rhythm of the walks and sleep very deeply in spite of the cold wind and your loud brother.

Every day we pick Nolan up from school at noon, and every day you cry in your car seat. Ok, not every day but pretty close. You do not like being in the car seat. The only thing that soothes you is to sing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” over and over and over. Why this song, I have no idea. It just worked one day so I stuck with it. I entertain myself by singing in different accents. Mid-western Itsy Bitsy Spider is the best.

You’ve continued to sleep so well at night. I love sharing a bed with you. You wake up so quietly in the night and make little grunty noises when you want to nurse, you don’t even cry. After you nurse you quietly go back to sleep. It’s blissful. And in the morning you do the same until I say “good morning!” and then you break into a huge grin. You’re so sweet.

Lately you’ve started napping in our bed occasionally, rather than in your wrap. We lay down to nurse, and after some vigorous pats and shushes you fall asleep. This is amazing to me because I've never seen a baby fall asleep on a flat bed - who knew! After a while I quietly sneak out of the bed and leave you snuggled in a blanket. The first time you did this Daddy remarked that it was the longest I’d been away from you since you were born. Today we did this while Nolan was at school and you slept for several hours. I was giddy with freedom! I almost didn’t know what to do with myself – alone in the house, imagine!

The other big event this month is that you’ve just started to use your hands. Last night I watched you stare at your hands and try so hard to get them in your mouth. I could just see your little brain working away, creating synapses. We’re coming into such an exciting time with you. I can’t wait to see who you are.

Love you sweet pea.
Mama

Lucia: 1 month

Lucia, you are one month old today. Over the past month you have changed so much. The first week and a half went by in a foggy haze of breastfeeding and sleeping. Then suddenly you weren’t so happy; I figured out that you were allergic to dairy because you developed a nasty rash and case of diarrhea. Luckily we figured it out quickly and I went off all dairy products. You were much better in a few days and back to your normal self.

You have your cranky moments, and you generally don’t sleep anywhere but on me at this point, but you are a sweet, snuggly little baby. I really love you. Really, really love you.

During the day you usually sleep on my chest in the red Moby wrap, like you are right now. Sometimes you fall asleep while you’re nursing and I can lay you down very carefully on the couch for a little while. At night you sleep right beside me in bed; you wake up every couple hours to nurse and then usually fall right back to sleep. I get a little freaked out about your sleeping habits because your brother was such a bad sleeper and I want to make sure I teach you how to sleep on your own. But you are so little right now, we can worry about that in a few months.

Nama came and stayed with us off and on for the first four weeks of your life. You like her; you like to fall asleep in her arms while she rocks and bounces you around the house. She has never-ending energy for her grandchildren.

You’ve started smiling and interacting more. I love when you first wake up in the morning and give me a goofy grin. You are only awake for an hour or so in the morning, and another hour in the evening, but we look forward to it. You are so fun to talk to and coo at. You like to lay under the toy gym we have and bat the stuffed red jay with your hands. You figured out really quickly that you could knock it with your hand and make it dance around above your head.

Love,
Mama

The birth of Lucia Rose

WARNING: this is about childbirth. Which involves my... body. So Dads, if this is too much information, cover your eyes.

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On my due date, Thursday 12/4, I woke in the night with cramps and an upset stomach, very similar to the way labor started with Nolan. But by mid-morning the cramps had subsided. I had contractions again the next night so I woke up early and made pancakes to try to keep things going, but the contractions fizzled out again. I wasn’t disappointed though, I felt like it would happen very soon. I spent Thursday and Friday resting and preparing.

The morning I went into labor it was cool and sunny, a beautiful day to be born. Labor and delivery lasted about 11 hours from start to finish and it took quite a while to push her out, but it was very manageable thanks to my amazing midwives and doula. And I got to catch her just like I hoped. It wasn’t the peaceful waterbirth I’d envisioned, but it was a beautiful birth nonetheless.

On Saturday 12/6 Nolan woke me up around 2 or 3 AM because he’d had bad dreams. He got in bed with me in the guest room, but I didn’t sleep well after that. At around 4 I got up and watched Grey’s Anatomy on the couch downstairs. Around 5 I started having regular contractions (about 10 minutes apart) and I tried to go back to sleep on the couch. I couldn’t sleep, so around 6 I got up and tried to sleep in my bed. It was soon apparent that today was Lucia’s birthday however, because of the regularity and intensity of my contractions. I woke Steve up and he started getting everything ready.

I started having contractions every couple minutes. They were much stronger than the contractions I had earlier. I took a quick shower and tried to get dressed. The contractions were so frequent it took forever to do anything because I had to stop what I was doing during them. Steve brought me some toast and I sat down on the bed after my shower to eat.

I felt like this was going to happen really fast so I called Merka (my doula) and Nicole (my midwife) at about 7 to let them know what was happening. Nicole said the contractions would probably space out again and to keep her posted.

I sat down in my rocking chair and tried to relax and focus on hypnosis. The sun was bright and beautiful in the window, and I was so excited to be having my baby. I rocked and listened to one of my hypnobabies scripts, Easy First Stage I think.

I found it hard to time my contractions and relax so I called Merka to help me. While Merka was on her way over I had several really strong contractions so I called Nicole back and asked to come to the birth center; she said she’d meet us there in 30 minutes (8:30). Merka came over and timed a few contractions; they were 5 minutes apart. I felt like I must be in active labor and wanted to be in the tub.

But when we got to the birth center Nicole said she wanted me to wait to get into the tub because I was GBS positive and we suspected my water my have broken. We did the hybiclens wash and I had to lay in bed for a while, which was very uncomfortable. My contractions were still very close together, but when Nicole checked me shortly thereafter I was only dilated to 5 centimeters.

I tried several positions (rocking chair, birth ball, etc.) and I tried to get into deep hypnosis, but I couldn’t concentrate and relax. I was too antsy. Merka read me a hypnosis script and that really helped. I felt myself slip deeply into hypnosis for the first time that day.

I wanted to help Lucia move down, so Steve, Nolan and I went for a walk outside, up and down the sidewalk in the parking lot. Luckily it was a Saturday so there was no one around to see me in my pj’s. The sun and wind felt so good on my back as I rocked back and forth during contractions. Nolan practiced balancing, walking up and down the parking lot curbs.

I started to get frustrated again that I couldn’t get in the tub (we were sure my water had broken by this point) so Merka suggested I get in the shower. Steve and Nolan came in the bathroom with me and Steve ran the shower. The only way I could get comfortable was in a hands and knees position, and then suddenly things got really intense. I started to moan through the contractions and felt like things (the pain) was getting ahead of me. At some point I asked for Merka to come help me with hypnosis.

Nicole came in and said I was probably in transition so they ran the bath for me. The contractions were so strong. That kind of intensity is hard to explain, but it blocks out anything other than that moment and that contraction. I was having a hard time staying calm but the water felt so good; I could float and let my whole body relax. Merka was there and had her hand firmly on my head, saying “relax” and other hypnosis cues to help me cope. Her voice and hand on my head was my focus and it helped me so much. It was like my anchor to the real world. I think transition passed really quickly, like in less than 5 contractions but I’m not sure. They were very intense. I started to feel like I needed to push.

I don’t think I was in the tub very long before they told me Lucia’s heart rate was really slow and I had to get out of the tub. I remember hearing her heart on the monitor and thinking how strange it sounded. It wasn’t the normal gallop of a baby’s heartbeat, it was slow like an adult’s.

They helped me get in the bed and I was very unhappy to be out of the tub. But the only way they could keep Lucia’s heart rate up was to have me on my back. I started to feel the need to push again, so I started to push. They had me try different positions (side, hands and knees) but the only position that Lucia liked was flat on my back. I remember saying something about this being a stupid position to push a baby in. But pushing felt so good, it was quite a relief from transition.

I found out later that Lucia didn’t turn her head like she should have as she came through my pelvis, so it made it very hard for me to push her through. It took 1.5 hours, and I think I scared Nicole a bit. She said later that every time I pushed Lucia’s head would swell more and more, but she wouldn’t come down. But I had no idea this was happening at the time; my midwives were so calm and supportive. They kept telling me I was doing a good job and coaching me on how to get her out. I remember opening my eyes a sliver every so often and seeing my amazing midwives circled around the bed in the afternoon sunlight.

I wanted to be done pushing so badly. I kept focused on Merka’s hand on my head and her voice. I was exhausted and couldn’t open my eyes, but I just kept thinking that I wanted her out. I wanted Steve in the room but I didn’t want Nolan in there because it was too intense, so they waited until Lucia was crowning before they went and got Steve (who was caring for Nolan).

Finally at 3:57 Lucia was born. I felt her crowning and the ring of fire which was surreal. It scared me but they told me to push through it. That may have been the hardest part for me, feeling that stretch and choosing to keep pushing. I was very exhausted and couldn’t open my eyes, so when her head and shoulders came out Nicole told me to reach down and catch my baby girl. I got her under the armpits and pushed one more time. She was so slippery! I pulled her to my chest, so exhausted and elated. She was so incredibly warm and heavy on my chest. I remember peaking my eyes open and seeing Steve there next to the bed. Lucia was very purple, but fine. They brought in some oxygen for her to breathe while I rubbed and held her.

Just a few hours later, after everyone was fed, cleaned and checked, the four of us went home. By then it was dark and cold outside. As we drove both of our sweet kids fell asleep in the back seat.

My beautiful friend Sharon designed this gorgeous birth announcement for us. Thanks Sharon!